Sunday, January 8, 2023 — Up early to Mida-size my office. As I work my way through hundreds of files, I feel emotions welling up inside me. I call these moments ‘break through depression’, but this morning I realize they’re actually spells of grief; that I’m actively grieving the loss of my dear sweet husband of 59 years. He’s still here physically, and at times, the person I married can still be seen. But, our lives are forever different now, and there is no norm to our days.
I work to sort through my 78 years of accumulated life, deciding what I will need to keep and what can be tossed or donated or sold. At times, it’s not hard at all to decide. Other times, I have to stop and think about whether the item can be replaced if needed. If it can, out it goes. I don’t know that I will actually ever need it again, but if I do, I know it can be easily replaced.
I have a four-drawer file cabinet that has been emptied of files. I have a reputation with the kids that if you ever need a pink slip for an ATC, just ask mom–she’ll have it. LOL Some records are irreplaceable… like the pink carbon from the hospital where Robert and I had our blood tests done before we got our marriage license. Some things are important.
We’re blessed to have kids and a niece who loves us like we’re her parents. They’ve come up for the weekend to help us go through things and pack up this house. They both watch me like a hawk, making sure I sit a lot and don’t take on too much. Even our realtor, Lindsay Villalpondo became concerned the other day when Robert and I both conked out–him in his big green chair and me slumped over my keyboard in the office. She was beside herself and didn’t know what to do. She didn’t feel she could leave the house with both of us asleep. I apologized to her — I just never know when I’ll nod off. One reason I’m very careful about my condition if I need to go anywhere. I won’t drive if I’m not 100% alert and functioning. My mornings are the toughest–but by mid-afternoon, I’m right as rain again for a few hours. At least I have part of my days when I’m feeling ‘normal’ and can function as well as ever.
But, enough whining for now. There’s rain clouds in the sky and I think the forecast is for more rain for the next few days. I’ll have to find a way of cleaning people’s feet from the wet–perhaps some paper booties??? Where would I find them????
Blessings to all… Have a wonderful day today. And be sure to tell those you love that you love them. You are never alone in this life. Be at peace. Stay well and take care.
tehachap 
Remember not to overdo. I know the feeling of grieving before your spouse is gone. I did the same. I don’t know if it helped at all. Good luck with the continued support of your family. Take plenty of breaks.
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I didn’t really recognize it as grief until the knowledge appeared in my mind that the man I married had gone missing. Probably not the first time he’d done that, but rather the first time I actually became aware of it.
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Tehachap, you did well, recognizing the grief for what it is. You have given me so much guidance. Thank you.
67andgood, I’ve been wondering if grieving along the way will help. I shall probably never know because my husband started downhill at an old enough age that he will probably still outlive me by several years. From our family longevities, we’ve always thought that he would outlive me by about 15 years. It probably won’t be that much – I’ve already outlived my family expectation by 5 years – but I don’t know which we should hope should precede the other!
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Funny … my mother passed at the age of 78–the same age I am now, and here I find myself in hospice care with a ‘timeline’ of less than 6 months to live. Excuse me??? I am surely not that close to dying, but then I didn’t feel I was ill enough for hospice care either. So who knows?? For myself, I’ll live each day to the best I can for as long as I can and try to wring every possible moment out of each day. Hugs to you… Carol
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Hugs back to you, Carol, and I admire your attitude. Carry on!
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Cop Car. I do think the many months of grieving probably did make me stronger so when he finally passed, I wasn’t overwhelmed. It still hurt but it wasn’t such a shock since I knew it was coming.
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And hugs to YOU. Like Carol, you show an admirable attitude.
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Your realtor should have a box of blue booties she can bring over.
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HUGE THANK YOU’S!!!!!
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Great thought!
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I asked and she said yes, she’d get some! Thank you!
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My daughter was very annoyed when her recently bereaved mother in law went off on a coach tour a few weeks after the father in law died. He’d been ill with cancer for several years and she wouldn’t believe me when I said – Judy has done a lot of her grieving already.
Stay strong Carol there’s a long way to go yet. You’ll be surprised at how many people will help you (and Robert)
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Thank you…
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Each day brings me closer to a position of peace and acceptance. Thank you for being here for me.
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I can’t imagine how difficult this is. Sorting through your life deciding what’s important enough to you to take to the next place. But I also think once done it will be a gib relief not to have the responsibility of the house and all of Robert’s care.
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Oh, absolutely! And honestly, since my health has taken such a turn, it’s not all that hard to sort through what’s important and what I can let go of. It actually feels good and much lighter–emotionally. Hugs….
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